This July, my oldest daughter will turn 13. I can remember the way she and I would snuggle on the single couch our little family of three had in the tiny apartment we started out in like it was only a year ago. Now, we are a family of five, she is the oldest of three children, and she’s as tall as I am.
Being in middle school is a ride not many of us will forget. Friendships change, sometimes they end, and our outlook on life becomes less and less innocent. Hormones rage and schedules fill up. Academics are more demanding and social events become prioritized topics of conversation. Insecurities crop up and threaten inner peace, and the feeling of being misunderstood is seemingly waiting around every corner. We remember this don’t we? So how can we help our children through it? Do you ever wonder ‘how can I stay connected to my precious child in this tumultuous transition’? I believe there’s steps to take that can make lasting difference in the lives of your kids and the relationship shared between you.
In my continued experiences of trial and error, a few helpful things I have learned:
1. listening with the intent to understand and validate your child’s feelings is paramount to keeping them talking to you. It is so easy to knee-jerk offer a solution, a piece of advice, or even a rebuttal to an immature emotion. In my experience, this response often results in upsetting your child and they shut down, and sometimes storm off. Listening and offering compassion is always a great first response. You show empathy, they keep talking. And chances are, after they feel heard, they’ll ask for your input on their own accord! This, by the way, is still very much a work in progress for me.
2. asking questions beyond “how was your day?” can spark their memory to share things that may have been filed away over the course of their time apart from you. I find that inquiring as to who my daughter sat with at lunch and what she did on recess, for example, can open up conversation to either joyful or difficult situations she found herself in that she may not have shared by answering a generic “good” to the “how was your day” number. I often ask my kiddos: what was the apple (best part) of your day today? And what was the onion (worst part) of your day?
3. This age is one where they can feel trapped between wanting autonomy and still desperately hoping mommy will rescue them. I find with my daughter, there’s moments where just holding her tightly, making a cup of tea, taking her to a book store, or just sitting together to watch a movie are just what the doctor ordered. Other moments, she craves feeling like the older, more grown up child that she is among her younger siblings or family members. She will often say “I feel stuck in the middle. Like I’m not an adult but I’m not a toddler anymore either, and I don’t know where I fit in.” These are the times we have girl talk. We chat about the ins and outs of being female, we share hopes and fears— and by “we” I mean BOTH of us. Yep— I am forthcoming and honest about my point of view, how challenging yet rewarding it is to be a mother, and what I want to make sure I send her into the world with. We talk in a way that resembles chatter with friends. And I know what you might be thinking: ‘I’m not my child’s friend, I’m their parent.’ And I agree with you…to a degree. My kids (and I’m sure yours) are cool. As they grow older, we connect with what we find common ground on— senses of humor, love for the same animal or food or music, shared skills and things of the like. My kids understand I am always mom first, but to cultivate a friendship with them as not just my children, but as people, is a gift I refuse to leave unopened.
4. Another way I try and stay connected with my daughter is by praising her for the seemingly “expected” things she does (for example, staying committed to her schoolwork or being responsible about taking care of her braces), and for the qualities and actions that make her unique (taking time to read, being a thoughtful friend, prioritizing her younger siblings in small, important ways). I write her emails and sometimes sticky notes that I paste to her mirror or in her planner. I think reminding your child of the specific ways they are noticed and loved is crucial.
The adolescent years can breed obstacles and challenges every time we turn around. It’s as difficult of a transition for you as it is your child, and navigating it can be scary and feel lonely. Please take it from me: you are not alone, mama (or daddy!). We are all navigating these murky waters together, and I hold fast to the truth that leading with love, honesty, consistency and accountability will bring us to the shore on the other side.
What ways do you connect with your children?
0 Comments